Active listening means hearing what someone says while being fully present and attentive to what they say. Active means it takes energy. You want to grab the information and internalise it while listening to extract the meaning of what is being said.
The focus is on the 'you' part, not the 'me'. You want to understand the other person, build trust and rapport. The goal is that the other person feels understood and heard.
What does it mean, to be an active listener?
When you start learning about communication, you often hear the term Active Listening.
Most of the time, people do not listen to the entirety of your sentences but will start to think about what they want to say next after hearing the first keyword. It's like skimming a text without reading every word.
That leads to people talking over each other and, in the worst case, ends in shouting matches.
People often tend to interrupt others because they hear a keyword and reach a conclusion in advance. Hence, they add their thoughts immediately. The downfall is that you will not hear the outcome the person talking wanted to reach, and you could be completely off.
The Chinese language offers excellent examples of how waiting to listen to the entire sentence is often essential. Their simple sentence structure usually places the object to the end of the sentence.
English: I drank a glass of milk at the store yesterday morning.
In Mandarin: Yesterday morning at the store, I drank a glass of milk.
Only at the very end you learn what they drank. Up until then it could be wine. Which would be a surprise twist. And those that are good in rhetoric use this to enhance their points to the end of a sentence.
What is the benefit of active listening
Becoming a better listener helps you understand the other person's point of view, which is crucial in negotiations. You want to gather information, understand the view of your opposite better and lead them to trust you faster.
The Black Swan group, a business negotiation training company, also teaches this idea. One of their coaches, Brian Voss, stated in an article:
"Most people have been conditioned to go into a negotiation, thinking they should immediately state their case and make a point. You have to stop thinking this way altogether. While there are times when you should definitely speak first, your communication efforts should always be focused on gathering more information."
How can you improve your skills?
Forming a summary in my head while listening helps a lot in all these cases.
Summarising means that you had thought about it and am sure I understood before answering. A quick mini summary also helps to forget fewer details. If the other person keeps talking, you can politely intervene with a:
"May I quickly interrupt, just so I get this right? So far, you say that ......., or did I get that wrong?"
With such summaries, you can reduce interrupting people and keep the points in your head.
In everyday life, we sadly tend to ignore this courtesy. We often interrupt others, thinking that we know what the other wants to say. The more heated arguments are, the more important listening is, even though we tend to forget that in the heat of the moment.
If you have to interrupt someone, there should be a good reason. Imagine a moderator in a talk show that reminds the participants about the remaining time or to stay on topic. When they state something false or hurtful, they will intervene by asking for context, so the speaker can not go on a rant.
Maybe try it with your significant other or a coworker.
It's fascinating what you can hear if you listen.