With Christmas around the corner, we surely will face difficult conversations with our family members. Here is a book to help you deescalate talks to a degree.
In a nutshell, non violent communication (NVC) is a way of guiding a conversation to search for the underlying need that is hidden behind assumptions, requests, implied statements, and so on. The goal shall be to deescalate conflicts. I found it an interesting read, with some practical advice and a lot of stories, although there are a lot of examples that are situational only. Overall a good book, however, most of the examples rely on making cold assumptions, which is a form of guiding or leading the others instead of letting them articulate their own words.
Nonviolent Communication, written by Marshall B Rosenberg.
What is it about? The process of the Non-violent communication model has four steps, First, you observe a situation. Then you try to recognise the feelings that the situation awakens. After that, you want to find the exact needs that are beneath these feelings. Finally, you pinpoint how you can satisfy these needs that are below all of it.
This leads to two key take-aways. The first is to express yourself with sincerity, and the second part pays attention to listening with empathy.
Each chapter does focus on either one of the four steps mentioned above. So Marshall would address types of ways how language alienates us or how we miscommunicate.
For Instance, Chapter 6 checks how to articulate requests, while the last chapter explains how to express appreciation. The book offers a little exercise after each chapter. For instance, there are example sentences that address requests and emotionally charged statements, and you could try to see whether Rosenberg agrees with you or not.
What do you learn?
You learn about expressing anger, how to praise, how to articulate more precisely. How to listen, how to listen empathically, how to express empathy.
While I am still not sure what to think of the many assumptions the NVC approach seems to take with every conversation, the way how to phrase and articulate sentences and questions is indeed great. And I think that you might learn a lot about yourself in the process, as there is often a reflective approach to what happens - thus, how can you react, why does the person feel such and such towards you, where can you start to create understanding, is there a need to find consensus and so on.
There are entire lists of words that people use to express emotions - and then list of words that sound like they express emotions, but in fact, do not. Instead, they are implicit assumptions or needs.
The more you study this, the more I believe it will change the way how we listen to others. But when I read through it I have to say, it is pretty complex and needs a lot of practice to be applied. You need quite some time to really understand how to listen to yourself and the way other people phrase their intentions.
Closing thoughts
The book is well worth the time to read through. However, the many assumptions made and shown with the examples let me believe that this is not sustainable in general, but rather in specific situations only. If I ask a person; Are you angry because I did this and that? This is nice for personal relations, however, you can unintentionally reveal things about what you did that were unbeknownst to others before. If the other person is perceptive, they can easily lead you down a rabbit hole that you dig yourself. Because of that, I prefer mediation strategies.